


Learning to Love, Learning to Live

by jedi_jaina_solo



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bastardization of Norse Mythology, Body Horror, Character Study, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Drug Abuse, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt No Comfort, I Keep Adding Tags, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Nightmares, No Plot/Plotless, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Compliant, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, POV Loki (Marvel), POV Third Person Limited, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, References to Norse Religion & Lore, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump, because if I suffer so should everyone else, but not actually, fuck odin, me and all my homies hate Odin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:22:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28796823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedi_jaina_solo/pseuds/jedi_jaina_solo
Summary: Recovery is long, and Loki is struggling.This is pure angst and will take a long time before it gets better.TW: suicidal ideation, poor self-care, addiction, vomiting, self-hatred, bad eating habits/eating restriction, panic attacks, depression, dissociation, paranoia, swearing, self-harm (not cutting), child abuse, drowning (not graphic), grief (loss of parent), past suicide attempt (Thor 1), derealization, body dysmorphia (not sure if that's the right term but whatever Loki feels about his frostgiant body), claustrophobiaThis takes place in an AU where instead of going back to Asgard after faking his death in Thor 2, Loki goes to earth.If you enjoy reading Loki in extreme amounts of emotional pain this is the fic for you, because I can't stop torturing this poor boy. Sorry not sorry
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	1. Time

**Author's Note:**

> Please mind the tags and trigger warnings.
> 
> I am by no means an expert in any of these themes. Please let me know if anything is horrifically offensive or inaccurate.

Closing the door to his apartment, Loki sighed. Two years on earth and it hadn’t gotten any easier. He draped himself over the couch, idly fidgeting with his six month chip. Six months was such a short time, especially when one has lived over a thousand years. It was probably the longest six months of his life.

When Loki first came to earth he was full of rage and intention; that didn’t last long. The heroin was an escape. When he was high it was as if the past didn’t matter at all. It had seemed so simple, so easy. But even gods can’t trick addiction. Before he knew it, Loki was lost. He had almost died, apparently. Perhaps that should’ve scared him.

The seconds ticked by slowly. Loki tried to see if he could make his heartbeat match the clock. Two minutes later, he gave up. _Failure_ , a voice in his head whispered. He didn’t feel like making it shut up.

From the couch, Loki could see the sun set. Colors blurred together in blinding light. It reminded him of the bifrost. It reminded him of falling.

Night came and it was better. He felt more at home in the darkness. It was safer. People cannot watch what they cannot see. Loki realized he hadn’t eaten since the coffee he’d had at the NA meeting that morning. But the fridge was so far away. He could get food later.

The night melted into day. Sunrises were softer than sunsets, but they were still too bright. He hadn’t slept. Gods didn’t need as much sleep as mortals anyway. Loki’s stomach growled at him, but he was tired and could eat later.

Sleep came eventually, washing over Loki like a strong wave. With sleep came dreams.

_Odin stood over him, shaking him awake. “Did you think you could escape me, you useless wretch?”_

_Loki tried to respond, but his mouth wouldn’t open. It hurt. His hand trailed up to his mouth and found thread caked in blood. With horror he realized his mouth was sewn shut._

_“Nothing to say, liesmith?”_

_Laughter followed this remark. Ashamed, Loki realized how many people were here. They were all staring at him. They were pointing, whispering, laughing. He could feel the disdain in their smug smiles, the satisfaction in their laughter._

_“They are here to witness your punishment.” At Loki’s look of shock, Odin leaned closer, “Did you really think prison was all you deserved? You will feel the shame you have brought on my family.” Odin was too close. “I never should’ve taken you that night.” he hissed, and then drew back._

_Everything was bright and green. Green like Loki’s magic. Green like Frigga’s magic. Suddenly it was too warm in the throne room. Loki lifted his chained hands to wipe the sweat off his face. They were blue. He was… no. Odin had taken the glamour away._

_“This is the true Loki.” Odin roared over the angry crowd, “He is nothing but a filthy frostgiant. He was never my son. He is a lying, cheating disgrace!” he paused, “What does Asgard do with such monsters?”_

_“Kill him!” the crowd answered back. Cheers erupted from all over the room. A chant started, “Kill the monster! Kill the monster! Kill the monster!”_

_Loki felt himself being drug forward. He was pushed to his knees in front of Odin’s throne. From behind it stepped Frigga. He wanted to cry out for his mother, but the thread did its job._

_She raised a sword and walked toward him. “You are not my son.” she hissed, “I never loved you.” With that, she swung her sword._

Loki awoke in a cold sweat, breathing hard. He felt sick. I never loved you. Bile rose to his throat. His mouth, he couldn’t move his mouth. The world spun. Everything was so bright. The sword was at his throat. Loki bent over the side of the couch and hurled, the remnants of yesterday’s meager food dribbling off his chin. Trembling, he stared at the floor. He knew he had to get up, to clean it. He also wanted water to clear the acid from his mouth. He needed to shower and put on clean clothes. He needed a meal. He needed to use the bathroom. Loki didn’t get up.


	2. Necessities

Loki awoke to a rancid smell, dried puke on his shirt. He would’ve thrown up again, had there been anything left in his stomach. He forced himself to sit up. The change in position made him dizzy. Slowly, he stood. His limbs shook with effort. The world was very splotchy and bright.

Water, he needed water. Loki stumbled to the kitchen sink and turned on the faucet. He let it run into his mouth. It felt good. He had been so thirsty. Loki drank too much too fast, and he convulsed over the sink, sputtering out the water he so desperately needed. Luckily the mess was in the sink this time; one less thing to do.

He cupped his hands and caught water in them. He brought the water up to his face. The cold was grounding. When his face was free from his stomach acid, Loki turned off the faucet. He stood with his hand on it for a long time. He needed to clean his floor, and also probably his couch. Why didn’t he just clean it up when it happened? With no answer to the question, Loki grabbed the roll of paper towels. He ripped off a lot, crumpled them up, and wet them in the sink.

Loki walked back to the couch. He should clean the floor first. Paper towels in hand, he sunk to his knees. It wasn’t very easy to clean. The couch was harder. Loki counted it as good enough when it wasn’t overly obvious what had happened- by sight anyway- it still smelled terrible.

Loki made his way to his room. As long as he didn’t sit down, he could keep this up. He needed a shower and clean clothes desperately. He peeled off his sweatshirt and dropped it on the floor. Necessities mattered right now, nothing else. Off came the rest of his clothes, now added to the stinking pile on his bedroom floor. Loki grabbed a shirt, pants, and underwear from his dresser. It didn’t really matter what they were.

Bathroom next. Time to shower. Loki set the bundle of clothes on the counter. He started the water.

Loki liked cold showers _because he was a monster._ He turned his face towards the water. He didn’t want to think. But thoughts are like heartbeats. They come whether you want them to or not.

The nightmare rose again in his mind. To ensure its fiction Loki forced his mouth open. It was fine. Anyway, it couldn’t be real; his mother was dead. A memory came unbidden: a prison cell, bright and exposed, his mother’s face, crestfallen. _Then am I not your mother?_ she had asked, _You are not._ What a stupid answer. It wasn’t true. Frigga would always be his mother. But he had betrayed her, had failed her. Had he known that was to be the last thing he said to her…. It didn’t matter. None of it did. She was dead and nothing could affect her anymore. Somehow Loki still related to her current state more than the rest of the family. Of course, his family actually was mourning her; they couldn’t say the same thing about him. Loki didn’t know why it bothered him so much that none of them seemed to care. He wasn’t even theirs, not really. He was a monster.

After his shower, Loki made his way to the kitchen. He should eat, but nothing looked good, and he was so very tired. Curling up in his bed, Loki drifted off into another restless sleep.


	3. "Fine"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my friend, Kyleen for being my beta :)

Loki spent a few weeks like that, barely moving, barely eating. He only got up when he couldn’t fight his body’s needs anymore. He stopped going to meetings, stopped talking to people. The world was too bright and loud. Maybe if he slept for long enough it would just go away.

Loki was woken by the incessant buzzing of his phone. _Dammit._ His sponsor was calling. He should probably answer. Taking a deep breath and faking energy, Loki answered the phone. “Hello, Will.”

“Hey man, I haven’t been seeing you in meetings lately. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m sober.”

Will let out a sigh, “Just because you’re clean doesn’t mean you’re okay, Lokes.”

“One: don’t call me Lokes. Two: you don’t need to worry, I’ll live.”

“Copy that.” his sponsor paused, “Not offing yourself or doing drugs are very low standards of okay.”

“I’m fine.” The lack of response to that was irritating. Loki let the silence sit for a moment, then added, “You only need to make sure I stay away from heroin, which is what I am doing.” It was rather difficult to get high when you couldn’t leave your bed. The mention of the drug made Loki’s left arm tremble in anticipation of a needle. It would not help his case to mention that, so he didn’t.

“Well,” the other man started, “you do still need to come to meetings.”

“I come to meetings.” Loki muttered. He wanted to go back to sleep.

“There’s one at our usual place in just over a half hour. Be there.”

“And if I’m not?”

“I’ll come over to your place and personally drag your ass out of bed.”

“I never said I was in bed.” Loki bit back.

“Aren’t you though?” Loki didn’t have a good answer to that so he stayed silent. After a beat, Will continued, “I’m serious, Loki. You’re spiraling.” When Loki didn’t answer, Will added, “please come?”

“Ugghh fine.” Loki groaned.

“Great! I’ll see you there.”

Loki hung up and dropped his phone back onto the bed. He didn’t know why he was so rude to his sponsor. The man was kind, helpful, and not unpleasant company. Somehow Loki still couldn’t bring himself to be a decent person. He was a god; he didn’t need to be polite. Deep down, Loki knew that wasn’t why he was mean to everyone.

It was a lot of work to get to the meeting. By the time he arrived, Loki wished he had stayed in bed and let Will break his door down. He found a seat and slipped into it. There were so many people here. He wanted to bring his legs up to his chest, to hug himself. He was afraid that if he did, people would stare at him. So Loki stayed still, putting on an air of false dignity.

“You made it!” Will smiled, taking the seat next to Loki.

“It would appear so.” Loki said drily.

“Have you eaten today?” Loki stayed silent. “I’m gonna get us some food. What do you want?”

“I don’t want anything.” Loki glared into the floor. The attentiveness of Will made him uncomfortable. He didn’t want people to notice him. He noticed Will getting up in his peripheral. _He’s leaving. He won’t come back._ And if he didn’t come back, Loki didn’t care. He was a god; he didn’t need mortals and their pity.

Will did come back. “I got you a bagel and some tea.” He held out the food, waiting for Loki to take it.

Loki raised an eyebrow, “What part of ‘I don’t want anything’ did you not comprehend, William?”

“Oh I comprehended your self-sabotage; I just didn’t feel like indulging it.”

Loki glared at him. “You can’t make me eat.”

“Nope, your recovery is up to you. I’m just here to hold you accountable.”

Loki searched Will’s eyes, looking for signs of betrayal. Finding no apparent secret intentions, Loki took the food. “Fine.” He didn’t return his sponsor’s smile. It bothered him that Will had brought him food that he liked. Why would he pay attention to what Loki ate? The bagel tasted very good. Perhaps it was poisoned. It had been stupid to not give a fake name at the hospital. Will must’ve found out who he really was. He had told Odin that Loki wasn’t dead. He was going to drug him. Loki would be brought back to Asgard, back to prison. He would never get out. He would never talk to anyone again. It was all because he was too foolish. He wasn’t smart enough to stay under the radar. Loki didn’t want to go back. He couldn’t. He felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Odin. He jumped out of his seat, spilling tea everywhere. He couldn’t breathe. His whole body shook and he backed into the corner. Everyone was staring at him. It was loud. People were talking. Will came closer to him. Loki couldn’t see Odin, but he had been there. He knew it. He needed to get out.

Loki turned and sprinted out of the building. Everything felt foggy, surreal. He ran without knowing where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away. His eyes stung with tears, and his chest hammered in his chest. He ran until he couldn’t move, collapsing on a sidewalk. The darkness enveloped him with the embrace of an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will isn't very developed yet, but let me know if y'all are interested in knowing more about him, or if I should continue leaving him as a bit of a blank slate.


	4. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry.

Loki woke up with his body aching. Shit. He was in one of his old haunts. His head was throbbing. Loki was tired of everything. He looked at his phone: three missed calls, all from Will. This was decidedly not good. Why had he ran here? Why couldn’t he just act like a normal person? Because he wasn’t normal, _he was a monster_.

Loki struggled into a sitting position, back against an old building. He knew he shouldn’t be here. He should call Will back. He should go home. _Home._ What was his home, really? His apartment on Midgard that he payed for with illusions of money? Asgard, where he was raised? Jotunheim, where he was born? Why hadn’t Odin left him to die? Everything would be so much easier if he had just froze to death on that destitute rock as an infant. In a burst of rage, Loki punched the cement he was sitting on. The pain was grounding. It shot up from his knuckles all the way to his forearm, reverberating through his bones. Loki examined his hand. He watched calmly as the blood beaded up, until there was too much and it dripped slowly down his hand.

Looking around, Loki realized he was less than a block away from his old dealer’s spot. He wasn’t planning on doing anything. Loki was just curious to see if he still worked that corner. Loki pushed away the guilt; he hadn’t done anything wrong. The world around him felt like it was in slow motion. There was a buzzing in his ears. His thoughts were loud, and Loki disappeared into a memory.

_“Why can’t you just do what I tell you to?” Odin’s voice, loud. The man’s head bent close to the boy’s form._

__

__

_“I-I’m s-sorry fa-father.” Loki whispered._

__

__

_The slap was sharp, pushing Loki’s head to the side. Tears pricked at his eyes._

__

__

_“What have I told you about speaking clearly?” Odin barked._

__

__

_Loki tried to answer, to tell his father what he wanted to hear, but he was so scared. He shook, and tears rolled down his face._

__

__

_“You are a failure.” Odin glared at him, “Not only do you ignore simple instructions, but you cannot even apologize properly.” He paused, “Get out of my sight.”_

__

__

__

_Loki nodded, and walked out of the room. Everything felt so heavy. The boy found a corner hidden from prying eyes and sunk down against a wall. He drew his knees to his chest, trying to calm his erratic breathing. Why was it so hard to do what Odin wanted? Why was nothing ever good enough? Why wasn’t he good enough? Clutching his knees, Loki buried his head in his arms. He stayed there for a long time, the shame rolled in waves over him._

__

__

_Failure._

Loki shook his head, as if to shake the memory out of him. He needed to get rid of his thoughts.

*****

The needle pushed into his skin. He pressed down the syringe. The fluid disappeared into his blood stream. Relief washed over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to spoil anything, but now is the time for a disclaimer. I, myself, am not an addict. I am not a professional in any of this. I did some google "research," but I am in no way qualified to speak on these issues. Also, please no one internalize Loki's thoughts. Okay concerned speech over :)


	5. Communication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to my beta :)
> 
> Also I realized I was missing my italics in the last chapter, so I fixed that.

His hands were shaking, his body perspiring. He held the phone up to his ear, waiting.

“Loki! I’ve been so worried about you! Did you get my calls? Are you okay?”

“Will,” he trembled, “I messed up. I- I need your help.”

“Where are you?”

“The corner of Fourth and Parkway.”

“Okay I’m coming.” Will paused, “Is there anything you need me to bring?”

“Water.” Loki whispered into the phone.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes. Stay where you are, okay?”

“Okay.” Loki felt small.

“Alright, bye for now.”

Loki fiddled with his phone after the call ended. He slowly pushed himself into a standing position, his muscles screaming in protest. His body was a bundle of nerves. He pressed his back against the wall, his spasming legs needing the support. Crossing his arms over his chest, Loki began tapping his left one. He counted as he did it: _one two three, one two three, one two three_. He tried to block out the noises and the feelings surrounding him.

Shame was a familiar feeling. It had been Odin’s favorite tool to teach Loki a lesson. He deserved to feel this way. _One, two, three._ Odin used to make Loki kneel for hours and think about what he’d done wrong. His knees always hurt afterwards. His knees hurt now too. _One, two, three._ He always ended up here — drowning alone in his own private pit of failure. He always let people down. The only thing that never seemed to leave was the loudness of his own thoughts. _One, two, three._

A blue car pulled up alongside the curb in front of him. Loki could feel his heartbeat increasing. _It’s just Will._ He repeated the thought three times for luck.

It was indeed just Will, and Loki slid into the passenger seat gratefully.

Will turned to him, serious; “You know I have to check you, right?”

Loki nodded, and was silent as Will searched his person. The anxiety was still too much, but then again he wasn’t sure which symptoms were mental-health related and which where just him coming down. Loki sipped on the water bottle Will had given him. It felt good to drink something after so long.

“Thank you.” Loki surprised himself; he wasn’t normally genuine. “And I’m sorry.” He added belatedly.

Will met his eyes, “I’m glad to help.”

Uncomfortable with the eye contact, Loki turned towards the window. Using was a mistake; he knew that. Yet, his mind was still for once. It was only a matter of time before everything got much worse, though.

“Loki,” the voice stirred him out of his thoughts, “I should take you to rehab.”

“No.” Loki curled into himself, looking back out the window.

“Why not?” Will asked patiently

“I don’t like it.” Loki whispered. He waited for the sharp _I don’t care_ , for the disappointment, for the anger, but it didn’t come.

“What don’t you like?”

The quiet sat for a minute, and then Loki answered. “It always feels like there’s someone watching you. I suppose they have to, but it’s unnerving. The lights are bright. I-I don’t like bright lights. It feels like no one there really understands me. And you just have to sit there doing absolutely nothing, being watched like a- a specimen. And you-you can’t leave — not ever.” His eyes stung and he gasped out a sob. His body shook. It might’ve been the crying, or the fear. It might’ve been the heroin. Loki was too exhausted to care.

Loki slowly became aware of a hand on his shoulder, a comforting pressure. Will rubbed circles with his thumb. It reminded him of his mother. Now that the tears had come, they wouldn’t stop. He missed her, so much. It was his fault she was dead. If he hadn’t been so concerned with spiting Odin, she might’ve lived. Yet another mistake to add to the abundance of them. The weight of his shame was heavy on his shoulders. He shouldn’t have faked his death — he’d hurt Thor. No matter how much his older brother irritated him, he never wanted to hurt Thor. He just kept making stupid decision after stupid decision. And now everything lay broken at his feet.

Regaining a semblance of steady breathing, Loki pulled away from Will’s hand. It didn’t matter how touch-starved he was; Loki didn’t deserve affection. He wiped the mess of snot and tears off his face with his sleeve. The mask of composure slipped back on. Somehow it hurt worse than before.

Will broke the silence, “If I don’t take you to rehab, you’re going to have to agree to some conditions.”

Loki nodded, it was a reasonable request.

“First, I’m not driving you back to your apartment so you can die alone from withdrawal.” When Loki nodded again, Will continued, “You can come stay with me for awhile. I already asked my boyfriend, and he’s fine with it.”

Loki snorted, “You knew I wouldn’t want to go to rehab, eh?”

Will smiled, “Not exactly, I wasn’t sure if you’d meant you’d used until I saw you. In any case, you didn’t seem to be doing very well, so I thought it safe to have plans.”

Loki rolled his eyes in mock annoyance.

“Okay, second condition: no leaving my apartment without permission.” Loki’s dislike of this condition must’ve showed, because Will continued, “You’re not going to be a prisoner, Loki. You know urges are going to get really strong. It’s just to keep you safe.”

_Prisoner._ No matter what Will said, Loki knew he already was one. He was a prisoner to his thoughts, to his addiction. How ironic, what he’d turned to as an escape had ended up closing him in even more. He would be a real prisoner again if Odin ever realized he lived. The old man would probably be disappointed Loki survived. Easier on Asgard if he was dead, _easier on everyone_.

“Loki? You still with me?”

“Yeah. Just thinking.”

“You ready for the third condition?”

“Just get it over with.” Loki muttered.

“You’re gonna love this one.” Loki glared at him. “You have to tell me what’s going on. Not everything, just general stuff.”

“That’s a ridiculous condition.” Loki said haughtily.

“Mm, good to know. Anyway, last one is you have to take care of yourself. That means drinking water, eating, sleeping, showering. Just the necessities. Do you agree to my conditions?”

“What happens if I break them?”

“I take you to rehab.”

Loki paused, considering, “Fine.”

“Ooh, is that Loki agreeing to take care of himself and communicate I’m hearing?”

“Just shut up and drive; I wanna get to your place before I start throwing up.”

Will chuckled and pulled away from the curb. Loki stared out his window, watching the corner where he’d spent the night disappear. It hadn’t been the first night he’d spent on that street. A year ago, he hardly left it. What a disaster he was. The voices in his head kept whispering to him of his failures. He wished he could just phase out of existence. He couldn’t even manage being sober. It would’ve been better if he’d actually died on Svartalfheim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep in mind that Loki's thoughts about rehab do not reflect mine.


	6. Cracks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screeches*
> 
> *drops from ceiling*
> 
> I have returned
> 
> As always thank you to my beta :)

By the time they got to Will’s apartment, Loki was very out of it. He stayed silent as he met Will’s boyfriend, Damian, and as they showed him around. Everything was so _nice_. He didn’t belong here. This was a home, and he was an intruder. Everything felt too real all of a sudden. Loki needed to leave, he needed to hide, he needed to get away—

_Odin’s hand on his shoulder was too tight. It hurt so badly. But Loki couldn’t show it. He had to be a good son. He had to show people that he wasn’t a failure, wasn’t useless. He wouldn’t cry, not now, not in front of everyone. He didn’t belong here. He knew Odin didn’t really want him at the dinner, but his father was stuck with him. Loki knew Odin didn’t want him; he never had. But Odin didn’t have a choice—_

No. Odin had stolen Loki. He was a possession, not a son. _Not real, not real, not real._

He wasn’t a child anymore.

_“Liesmith”_

_“Monster!”_

_“Failure.”_

“Loki,” this voice was quieter, but closer. Everything was spinning.

“Loki,” this time it was louder, more insistent.

“Loki, you have to breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Good, just like that.”

Everything felt jumbled, clouded. There was someone rubbing his shoulder. It was soft. Mother, it must be Mother. Everything was so loud. His ears rang. Mother would help, she always sang him such lovely songs. Soft words and phrases fell into his bubble. Soft like Mother’s hands. Loki relaxed into the soft. It was good. He was safe _for now_. The thought broke him out of the soft. Odin might be angry if he saw Loki wasting his mother’s time.

“In and out. Good job. In….”

Odin was always angry. _Never good enough_. He had to get a hold of himself. _Disappointment._

All he could see were blurry shapes and light, so much light.

“Good. In, and out,”

Mother was dead. His family wasn’t his family. Everything he knew was a lie. It still hurt each time he remembered. Would anything ever get better?

Loki jumped off of the floor, away from the contact with a living being. He didn’t deserve it. No, he didn’t want it. He was hyperventilating again. The dizziness amplified the nausea.

_Shit_. Loki bolted to the bathroom, leaning over the toilet bowl. There wasn’t much in his stomach, but what was there came up and out, and everything felt so wrong. The toilet was cold and smooth against his hands. Cold like his blood, like his race. _Lies, everything was lies._

He was shaking from the effort of moving, from the panic attack, from the nausea, from the withdrawal. Loki collapsed onto the tiles beneath him. It was darker in here. Dark and cold. A perfect little monster cave for a perfect little monster.

Will came to the doorway and sat down in it. Not quite inside, not quite outside. Will only took up a portion of the it, leaving room for Loki to get out. The man was getting clever. _Stupid, he had shown too much._ Ignoring Will, and attempting to ignore his thoughts, Loki turned towards the wall. He counted the textured spots of paint on the wall.

He was at 72 when Will broke the silence. “Loki?”

“Mm?”

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” Loki managed, “but better than a few minutes ago.”

“That’s understandable. Do you want company or space right now?”

“Space.” Loki vaguely wondered why Will even asked. It was always the same answer.

“Alright, I’ll let you be. Remember I’m just a holler away if you need anything.”

Loki heard the shift in movement, the steps away. He still wasn’t alone, though. The bathroom door was still open. There were two people in the other room. The tension didn’t release. He wondered if it ever would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah did I mention this was pure angst? Anyway...
> 
> Also I'm sorry for my addiction to italics. I would like to tell you it gets less excessive, but it most certainly won't.


	7. Surviving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've updated the trigger warnings. Not all of them apply to this chapter, but I'd advise checking them again to make sure nothing's in here that will bother you.
> 
> As per usual, a huge thanks to my beta, she helped a ton with making this make sense :)

Everything hurt. Loki had forgotten how bad the aches could get. It would probably be slightly better if he wasn’t on the bathroom floor, but he couldn’t risk moving away from the toilet. It would’ve been easier if Will didn’t force him to eat and drink. Barely any of it made it into him, and whatever did get through his system just came right back out, and it burned.

His body couldn’t decide if it was too hot or too cold. Loki shivered in the pool of his sweat. His whole body was clammy. The texture felt wrong. At least his skin felt warm, but it was too warm and it hurt. Loki needed his cold back. _Selfish fool_ , he chided himself. He was so quick to indulge his monstrous ways. _Wrong, wrong, everything was wrong._

The nausea was back. A combination of stomach acid and saliva dribbled down his chin. The bent over position made his back scream in agony.

_His back hurt. When would Odin let him get up? He hadn’t meant to hurt Thor. It was only meant to be a joke. Everything felt as though it was on fire. He needed it to stop._

Loki blinked rapidly, and fell back off the toilet. He traced the lines between the tiles with his finger. _One, two three._

He had been so stupid. How could he have forgotten how bad withdrawal was. Why had he used? He needed to use again. He needed the escape. He needed to feel happy. He needed to stop hurting, to stop burning.

Loki wished he could sleep. Dreams were awful but thoughts were worse. The need to get high itched under his skin.

_Blue skin. Lies, everything was lies._

The tiles were cold. _One, two, three._

_Jotunheim was cold._

_“When I’m king, I’ll hunt the monsters down and slay them all!”_

He’d tried so hard. He’d failed at making Odin proud. He’d failed at being king.

_Failure. Failure. Failure._

_One, two, three._

_“In and out. Good job.”_ Will had said he did a good job. A good job breathing? Any mortal can breathe. _Failure._

He’d failed at staying sober. Will was tricking him. He didn’t care; no one did.

_He let go of the staff, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to see Thor cry. He was falling and everything was dark. The world spun. The void closed around him. He was alone, and it hurt more than it ever had. He wanted to take back his decision, to stay. He wasn’t ready to die. He wanted his mother. Falling, falling, falling._

Loki pushed his feet against the wall, reminding himself he wasn’t falling anymore. He still missed his mother. Her absence was an ache deeper than his bones. The void his “family” had left was eating at him. He just wanted to forget. He needed to get high.

Loki rolled over, planting his hands on the floor. Shakily, he pushed himself up enough to grab the countertop, and used that to stand. The world spun around him. He wanted to lie back down, but he wanted relief more. Using the wall as a guide, Loki took a few unsteady steps. He could do this, he had to be able to do this. He let go of the wall slowly, and made his way into the living room. No one was there, he could make his move.

“Loki, you’re walking.”

Dammit. He forced a smile, “Yeah, I’ve been feeling a bit better.”

Will returned his smile, “I’m glad to hear it.”

“I need to go out.”

Will cocked an eyebrow. How dare he doubt Loki? Never mind that he was right to, it just showed that no one trusted him. “Why do you need to go out?”

Will was studying him. “There are a few things at my apartment I need.” Loki made sure to look relaxed, unassuming.

“I can get them for you.”

Rage bubbled just beneath the surface, but Loki pushed it down. “No, it’s a mess there, and I’m not entirely sure where everything is. You wouldn’t be able to find them.”

Will nodded, slowly, “Alright, I can take you there.”

“There’s really no need, I can get there myself.”

“Loki.” It was a warning, Loki would need to tread carefully.

“Yeah?” There was nothing Loki wanted more in this moment than to punch Will in the face, but he kept his expression pleasant.

“Do you think I’m dumb?” Will didn’t look angry, but then again, neither did Loki.

“No.” _Yes._

“Then stop bullshitting me.”

Loki almost lost his composure at that, his eyes flickering. But when he spoke his voice was calm, “What do you mean?” He tilted his head, looking at Will with an air of confusion and just a tinge of hurt.

Will took a breath, letting it out slowly. “I think you know, but I’m not going to press it. If you want to go get things from your apartment, I can take you, but you’re not leaving here alone right now.”

Loki knew his anger was showing, but he couldn’t completely mask it anymore. “Why not?”

“Because you’re still within the first 48 hours from when I picked you up.”

“So?” Loki spat out.

“So,” said Will, “you are still in the worst of withdrawal, meaning you have urges right now.” He was talking so calmly; it just made Loki angrier.

“Just because I have urges doesn’t mean I’m going to use!”

“I’m not going to take that risk.”

How dare Will assume the worst? Everyone always thought Loki was up to no good. No one understood him. No one cared about him.

“I hate you!” Loki screamed, glaring at the man in front of him.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Will was still so fucking calm.

“I hate your stupid rules! I hate your apartment! And I hate your dumb boyfriend!” Loki turned to glare at Damian, who was in the kitchen pretending not to hear them.

“Anything else you hate?” Will looked so at ease. It wasn’t fair.

“Fuck off!”

Will didn’t dignify that with a response, which was even more infuriating. Loki turned and stomped back to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He sunk down, back against the door. He was so exhausted. The tears streamed down his face.

_“Anything else you hate?”_

Loki hated himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damian in the kitchen just chopping vegetables while Loki has a mental breakdown like ✌️😚
> 
> Loki living in their bathroom like 😡
> 
> Anyway I made character sketches for Damian and Will, but they're in my sketchbook not online anywhere. If people are interested please tell me how to post pictures on here.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	8. Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone so long! I got distracted with MHA lol.
> 
> A huge thank you to my beta. You would not want to read the first draft lol.

Loki felt the withdrawal sucking the remnants of life out of him. He was miserable and exhausted, and worst of all: bored. Curled up in a corner of the bathroom, Loki had nothing better to do than ruminate on the terrible decisions that had lead him here.

He shouldn’t have used again — well, he shouldn’t have used in the first place. Remembering the early days on Midgard, Loki shuddered. He’d done whatever could come to his mind to escape the never ending memories that haunted him. All he wanted was to be free of the life he had been forced into. _“Born to be a king?”_ Yeah, right. Loki knew now that Odin had been lying to him all those years ago. But no, Loki was the liesmith, right? Like father, like son… except Odin wasn’t really his father. Had he ever been?

_“Your birth right was to die, as a child cast out on a frozen rock!”_ The memory rested in a familiar place. Whether it was shame or rage Loki wasn’t sure. Those two emotions tended to blend together and overtake him. They fed each other in a vicious cycle that always pushed Loki further from everyone who dared get near him. Loneliness joined the cocktail of toxic emotions, and Loki let it drown him.

The first time Loki had faked his death, he hadn’t meant to lie to anyone. He had meant to die there, in the cold of space. Loki wasn’t sure how much of Thor’s distress then had been about Loki’s death, and how much was about the bifrost. Despite their many years together — which Thor was so eager to remind Loki of — Thor picked that mortal woman over his “brother” every time. Brother was a kind way of putting unwitting captive. Bitterness swirled deep within him. Thor had always hated the frostgiants. Idly, Loki wondered if Thor had ever discovered the truth about him. Knowing Odin, the oaf was probably still oblivious. There was a tinge of anger with that thought. It was strange; after all why would he want to lower the already ground level opinion Thor had of him? Better yet, why did he care what Thor thought of him? It didn’t matter anymore. The first time he faked his death had been so lonely. Loki wasn’t sure why he’d thought the second time would be any better.

Shaking, Loki ran his hands through his hair, feeling the greasy tangles. The sweat clung to his body. He needed to get it off. Pushing himself off of the floor, Loki stumbled towards the bathtub and discarded his clothes. He could do this.

Loki let the cool water spray him in the face and trickle down his body. No matter how hard he scrubbed his body he couldn’t seem to get rid of the filth. He needed to wash off the wrong parts; he needed them to go. Turning up the heat, Loki let it burn his skin. The searing pain was a reminder of what he really was: a monster. He let the reality of his choices settle with the fiery water at his feet. He was everything Odin said he was and worse. Desperation had consumed him, and he had let it mold his decisions. There were times where he hadn’t recognized himself. Sometimes he still didn’t. It was hard to know yourself when you were lied to for your entire childhood. Everything Loki did made him feel more like the monster he was running from. Not surprising — the monster was the shadow of himself. Perhaps he was the shadow, and the monster was his true self.

Hatred burned deeper than the self-inflicted pain. It wasn’t fair — but he deserved it, so maybe it was. Loki felt his body reacting to the water. He watched passively as he collapsed and shook, landing with a loud thud. The water continued to fall onto him, a million little swords cutting him deep to the bone.

Sounds of banging and shouting at the door joined the chaos that Loki rested outside of. Here, he couldn’t feel pain, couldn’t hold memories. Lights floated around him like the orbs Asgard would send off for a funeral. It must be his funeral. Loki hovered above the scene, emotionless.

He stayed in his meditative state as the door burst open and the shower curtain was opened. The steam spread like tentacles of poison. He watched as his body was pulled out of the shower, and the water was forced out of it. The veil between him and the real world became darker and darker. Loki slipped calmly into the void, letting the darkness cover him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep in mind Loki is an unreliable narrator. He's still going through withdrawal, and that combined with unprocessed trauma muddies his thinking. I imagine that (canon) Loki's thoughts related to Odin change a lot and I wanted to reflect that in here.
> 
> Lol can you tell Loki is one of my comfort characters?


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